barnacles, ghosts and weasels

Sometimes, an important issue might come up for discussion in your monastic community. It’s important to take the necessary steps to ensure that the status quo in the community is maintained, and no substantive change is allowed to unfold. Here’s how we recommend doing it –

Step 1. Sub-stack

Form a sub-committee to oversee the decision-making.

It is important to lay the groundwork for disempowerment so that community members have trouble forming consensus opinion, which establishes the need for the sub-committee in the first place. This can be done in a variety of ways, but a good starting point is by making sure monastics develop co-dependent over-reliance on the teacher so that trauma bonds are solidly established, whilst buying loyalty through excessive favours to those who comply. This will make people afraid of speaking their mind because not only will they be seen to be disloyal to their surrogate father/mother, but will have their treats taken away taboot. This lays a good foundation for a healthy, manipulable community.

The members of the sub-committee should be self-appointed senior members of the community that don’t want to address the issue (obviously). This gives just the right mix of the appearance of democratic process whilst still appealing to the eternal wisdom of the elders, and ensures that the committee can be stacked with the right kind of people to ensure no real change takes place. Make the committee relatively small (you can even refer to yourselves as the ‘little sub-committee’ to make yourselves seem cutesy and benign), and appoint members that fall into three basic categories –

• Barnacles
  These are the invertebrate yes-men. They are essential to any sub-committee. They can be called on to voice their opinion, but don’t expect cogent answers – they are there primarily to add meat in the room and the appearance of group consent.
• Ghosts
  These members are the non-member members. They should be sufficiently senior not to be easily questioned (remember, disempowerment) and sufficiently absent to be effectively useless.
• Weasels
  It can be useful to have a member or two that are the cause of the problem in question. For example, if the issue revolves around forming a policy to ensure vulnerable community members are treated with respect, throw a narcissistic sociopath into the mix to make sure you are on-brand in not wanting to address the issue.

Step 2. ‘Proposal’

This stage is relatively swift, ‘cos we all know we’re not really proposing anything other than to continue being allowed to do what we want. Just make it seem like it’s progressive.

Step 3. ‘Feedback’

This stage is about giving people the appearance that their voice matters.

We all know there is no point having a voice if no-one is listening, but by asking for feedback we let community members participate in a pantomime of inclusivity, so that when we push our own agenda (see below), we can reference that we tried to include their point of view.

Now, occasionally you might get the odd member/s giving feedback highlighting shortcomings in the monastery, or worse yet, has the dangerous combination of both integrity and not being intimidated by others. If you’re unlucky, they may even be good at articulating themselves. These dissidents need to be dealt with swiftly. Here’s some pointers –

• Censor
  Don’t call it censorship of course (duh). Basically, take what feedback they give and extract only what supports your ‘proposal’, discarding the rest. You can excuse this in any number of ways, but a popular way is to appeal to the interests of others, to excuse your own agenda. For example, you could say you ‘don’t want to burden people with too much detail.’ That kind of thing.
• Ostracise
  Make sure you send the message in your daily interactions that even though you’ve asked for it, feedback isn’t actually welcome. We recommend making sarcastic jokes at the dissident’s expense, infantilising them by talking about them when they are present as if they are not in the room, smug smirks, and cold shoulders. You’ll find your own ways but just make sure they understand they are inferior.
• Conceal
  It should go without saying but the ‘feedback’ is just for the appearance of dialogue, whereas the real discussions are had in private amongst yourselves. Try to keep them verbal so as not to leave a paper trail.

Step 4. The CCP

This is a fun stage.

So far, you’ve stacked your ‘little sub-committee’ (how cute!) with just the right kind of blowfish, blinking-heads, and sycophants. You’ve put together your ‘proposal’, and asked for ‘feedback’, being sure to squash any real participation. Now it’s time to give ourselves credit. It’s time for the CCP.

The CCP refers to the Chinese Communist Party. They hold elections every year. And guess what? They always win.

You don’t have to hold elections. You can simply announce the result of your ‘dialogue’ with the community and say that the sub-committee has reached a consensus - but it’s more fun with a mock election.

We’d recommend drafting up a series of votes that include the options that the committee wants, as well as a heavily censored option, and then the option that the dissident/s propose. As this is a rigged election, we don’t let the dissident/s vote, only ourselves. To make it even more entertaining, you can keep the dissident/s in the loop by informing them that you are voting. Poll the results. Let them see it. (I told you this was fun).

Step 5. Bury it

You’ll probably want to avoid announcing the result to the broader community, as it may stir up controversy and you might get blow-back. Who needs that kind of hassle? A better option is to bury the issue. It’s best to do this quietly, outside the pātimokkha. Just say it’s for ‘expediency’ or something – use your own words, I’m sure you’ll come up with something.

So that’s the modus operandi we’d recommend for making decisions in the monastery. I hope you’ve enjoyed reading about it as much as I enjoy participating in it. It’s a fine art that has been refined over generations, and we’re proud of it. We hope you take these steps, make them your own, and strangle strengthen your communities.

• Peace

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